When I woke up this morning, I had no intention of writing a blog post. It is Sunday, June 20th, 2021 and it is Father’s Day. This is not my first Father’s Day without my dad. He died on May 5th, 2020 after a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
My first Father’s Day without my dad was hard, but his death was still fresh and I thought as the years go by Father’s Day wouldn’t be as much as a struggle.
This year I honestly didn’t even know Father’s Day was coming up. When you’re not making plans or buying presents, there was no reason on my radar to brace for the fact that Father’s Day was on Sunday and I would have to make myself ready to see all of the posts and tributes on social media. Seeing people have the chance to hang out with their dad for the day, when I can’t.
On Wednesday, my best friend and her husband were planning out when they would visit each other’s dads, trying to make sure they work them both in. I sat there in silence and slowly realized what this weekend was.
I naively thought previously that I could easily get through this day. I would be internally sad and wish I could spend time with him, but that’s every day. I didn’t think Father’s Day would be any different. I was wrong.
This morning it hit me like a ton of bricks. I had been scrolling through Facebook and Instagram, and everything was fine. I saw the posts, I was a little sad, but I was fine. One text from my family friend changed that. Just a simple, “thinking of you today, Brian was such a great dad, father, and friend.” made everything come rushing out. Bawling while laying in bed (I am also currently washing my sheets, so picture a grown woman on a mattress cover at 10 am crying into a pillow lol).
I am not sure why but in that moment, I needed to get up and write. I needed to write down what I was feeling and I needed to release it on here.
My dad was a great man. He was the type of father that would drop anything for me. I never would have but if I “needed” an apple from the store and texted him, he would immediately answer with “What kind? Be there in 15.” It’s not the fact that he would do these things for me that I miss- I miss that feeling of security that comes with it.
Being available for me at any moment always left me with such a confident, comforting feeling. If anything was wrong, he would be there in an instant, no questions asked. I am lucky that I never had to question for a second if my dad loved me. He showed me in little and big ways every single day. My brother and I were his world (and eventually his grandsons).
At this point, I am crying and not sure what I am even writing about, but since I don’t get that picture at dinner to brag about my dad on social media today, I needed to get it out in the atmosphere that even though my dad isn’t here, he is the best dad I could ever ask for.
Today is hard for so many people. If you have lost your father recently or years ago, know that there is a big group of us out there that probably start the morning with a good, long cry in bed and then wipe our tears and head out to celebrate other father figures in our lives.
This post is random and all over the place, but I do not want to go back and reread/edit it. I want this to be a raw, real post about my struggles today. I am gonna go wipe my tears, put on some makeup and go spend the day with my mom, my brother, and his family. Hope everyone has a blessed day.
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